Law #6: The Law of Evaluation
"But if I told him I wanted to do that, wouldn't he be be hurt?" Jason asked. When Jason told me he wished to assume responsibility in tasks his business partner was effeming poorly, I encouraged him to talk to his partner "Sure he might be but I said in response to his question, "So, what's your problem?"
Well I wouldn't want to hurt him." Jason said, looking at me as though I should have known that.
"I'm sure you would not want a hurt him." I said "But what does that have to do with the decision you have to make?"
Well, I couldn't just make a decision without taking his feelings into account. That's cruel.
" I are with you. That would be cruel. But, when are you going to tell him?" "You just said the to tell him would hurt him and would be cruel Jason said perplexed
"No, I didn't " I replied. "I said to tell him without considering his feelings would be cruel. That is very different from not doing what you need to do."
"I don't see any difference. It would sell but him "But it would not harm him, and that's the big difference.
If anything the hurt would help him" "Now I'm really confused. How can it possibly help to
"Well, have you ever gone to the dentist?" I asked
"Sure."
"Did the dentist hurt you when he drilled your tooth to remove the cavity?"
"Yes".
"Did he harm you?"
"No, he made me feel better."
"Hurt and harm are different," I pointed out. "When you ate the sugar that gave you the cavity, did that hurt?"
"No, it tasted good," he said, with a smile that told me he was catching on.
"Did it harm you?"
"Yes"
94
Boundaries
"That's my point. Things can hurt and not harm os fact they can even be good for us. And things that feel g can be very harmful to us."
You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. To have boundaries-in this instance, Jason's saying no to his partner-is to live a purposeful life.
Jesus refers to it as the "narrow gate." It is always easier to go through the "broad gate of destruction" and continue to not set boundaries where we need to. But, the result is always the same: destruction. Only the honest, purposeful life leads to good fruit. Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation, which, in turn, may cause pain to someone you love.
We need to evaluate the pain caused by our making choices and empathize with it. Take Sandy, for example. Sandy chose to go skiing with friends instead of going home for Christmas vacation. Her mother was sad and disap- pointed, but she was not harmed. Sandy's decision caused sadness, but her mother's sadness should not cause Sandy to change her mind. A loving response to her mother's hurt would be, "Oh, Mom, I'm sad that we won't be together too. I'm looking forward to next summer's visit."
If Sandy's mother respected her freedom to make choices, she would say something like this: "I'm so disap- pointed that you're not coming home for Christmas, but I hope you all have a great time." She would be owning her disappointment and respecting Sandy's choice to spend her time with friends.
We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with one another about how we are hurt. "Speak truthfully to [your] neighbor, for [you] are all members of one body" (Eph. 4.25).
As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from others to grow. No one likes to hear negative things about him or herself. But in the long run it may be good for us. The Bible says that if we are wise, we will learn from it. Admonition from a friend, while it can hurt, can also help.
We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing that we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light.
